Do you worry you’re not spending enough quality times with the kids? Are the house chores never ending? Are you struggling with all the tantrums and misbehaviour? Do you worry about your child’s wellbeing?
As parents we all have concerns to do with our children. I mean, are you even a parent if you don’t worry, even just a little bit?
In this article I am going to share with you what I believe children need in order to flourish and become strong, independent and wholesome adults, whilst also reducing that unwanted behaviour.
Apart from the obvious, food, water, oxygen and love, I believe another key element that we need to address to fulfil our children’s needs are their feelings.
There was a time when it was said that children should be seen and not heard, however the world is changing, I believe for the better. I’m not saying that our children are always right and should always get their own way. Same for adults, just because we are older doesn’t necessarily make us wiser and we should learn to apologise to our children when we are wrong.
Having rules and routine are also a good thing for children and work so much better in a family when everyone keeps to the same ones. We have seen too many times how things can go wrong in business or politics when there is one rule for the staff and another for the boss.
However, here is my list of things children should feel and activities we as parents can put into place to ensure they have everything they need to grow.
Children Need to Feel Safe.
If we as parents are feeling stressed, angry, anxious or sad our children can sense this and will react. They might not be able to identify or voice their feelings as we do as adults, but they will show their feelings in other ways such as misbehaviour, shouting, fighting, arguing or not wanting to follow rules.
For example, have you ever noticed that when you go to make an important phone call they suddenly start shouting or fighting? Maybe they can feel your anxiety and react, or maybe because they’re suddenly not getting your attention, they start to panic.
Try explaining to them what you wish to achieve (eg. speak to someone on the phone) and what you expect from them (watch TV, play with toys, do homework) and if possible, set a time frame.
When discussing safety children don’t only need to know that they’re not going to come to any harm, they also need to know that they can safely express their feelings and emotions.
If your child has had a bad day at school, they are more than likely going to wait until they come home until they react to the situation. Set time aside in your day to talk and discuss issues but most importantly listen.
Children Need to Feel They are Understood and Respected.
Children should be allowed to develop their own opinions and feelings about the world around them. Debating an issue can be healthy, as long as we as adults hold an open mind and don’t push our own views onto our children. For instance, many children decide that they no longer wish to eat meat. This decision should be respected, and maybe discuss how they will replace essential vitamins in their diet. You might even like to try out new recipes together.
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Children Need to Belong and Feel Important.
Carrying out activities such as baking together, team sports or games and talking over dinner can really make children feel like an important part of the family. Ask them questions and show them you value their opinions, let them captain the team, trust them to measure out the ingredients or mix them together.
Share out some of the chores, for example drying the dishes whilst you wash or get them to separate the laundry. For better results ask children to help rather than telling or ordering them to do so. You might also like to try giving them an option such as, would you prefer to vacuum or fold the laundry.
Getting children involved will make them feel like an important part of the family and will also give you more time to do other things.
Children Need to Know They can make Mistakes.
The best way to do this is to let your children see you make mistakes. Admit when you don’t know the answer or when you are wrong and apologise.
This will teach your children how to behave when they make mistakes themselves.
Allow them to try out new things, explore and get stuff wrong, after all we don’t learn anything from getting everything right. We learn from our mistakes.
Children Need to Know they are Capable.
Children love to get involved and be given responsibility. Depending on their age give them different jobs to do around the house and make it fun. Some ideas include washing the dishes, taking the dog for a walk, watering the plants, peeling potatoes or carrots with a vegetable peeler.
Remember to congratulate children on trying rather than the results they achieve. Sometimes a child who studies the hardest may get lower results than a child who finds studying easy and only puts in half the effort.
The main message to restore calm and reduce unwanted behaviour from your children is to discuss issues and listen to their opinions, get them involved, give them responsibility, keep them busy, thank and congratulate. Changing the way, you currently do things might be difficult to start but none of us are perfect and we all make mistakes, recognise that and keep moving forward.
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